


Illumination

by Zetal (Rodinia)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Episode: s01e16 Shadow, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-17
Updated: 2015-12-17
Packaged: 2018-05-07 04:49:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5443886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rodinia/pseuds/Zetal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on "Shadow", branches off where the Winchesters have their discussion of what they'd do if this is the the thing that killed Mom.</p><p>Dean wants something for himself, all right.  Sam tries to figure out what.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Illumination

“There’s gotta be something you want for yourself,” Sam said quietly. Worried.

“Yeah!” Dean shouted. “I don’t want you to leave the second this is over!” Sam jumped a little as Dean crossed the room to lean on the dresser. “Why do you think I drag you everywhere, huh? I mean, why do you think I came and got you at Stanford in the first place?”

Sam had no idea what was going on with Dean, but this one he knew the answer to. “Because Dad was in trouble. Because you wanted help finding him and the thing that killed Mom.”

“Yes, that! But it’s more than that, man.” Sam raised an eyebrow. “I know I can’t have what I really want, but what we’ve had this past year, you and me… take out the worry that Dad’s dead or missing and in trouble, and it is goddamn _close enough_!”

“You…” Sam didn’t understand. “What about Dad?”

Dean let out a long breath, calming himself down before he spoke again. “I love Dad and he is the best goddamn hunter I know. Maybe Caleb or Jefferson work with him, but us? We hunt together, we work _for_ him. And that’s fine, not a problem for me, but for you? You think I’m bossy and order you around and, what was it, drag you around like a piece of luggage…”

Sam shook his head. “Dean, I never said that. And knowing what we do about Meg…”

“I’m just sayin’,” Dean said. “You think I’m bad, you and Dad are gonna be butting heads every five minutes, and I’m tired of it. Tired of being caught in the middle, torn between my loyalty to Dad and my bond with you. You and Dad can’t work together on a long-term basis, and I’m finally getting that. This past year – best year of my life, following the two worst years of my life. Doesn’t exactly take Stanford material to figure out the cause, does it.” Sam stared at Dean. This was the kind of thing he usually hid under jokes and sarcasm; what was he doing letting his guard down now? “Things can’t be like they were before you left, but honestly, I thought we were forging something better here. Yes, I’m bossy and inconsiderate and I tease the crap out of you. But has it really been that bad that you can’t wait to get this over with so you can take off? Leave me behind again?”

“Dean, that’s not…” Sam felt terrible. How could Dean even think that? “It’s _never_ been about leaving you. You’re why I stayed as long as I did!”

Dean snorted. “Yeah. Nothing at all to do with the fact that the one time you did run, Dad found your ass and dragged you back home.”

“You don’t think I could’ve provoked Dad into letting me go?” Sam said. “Or run to Bobby Singer, or one of the other hunters Dad’s not only burned bridges with but salted as well? I never wanted you out of my life. Not for more than a week, at least. I know all those things I said at Stanford, and sure, I meant it at the time, but not _really_. A week later when I realized I’d been an asshole and tried to call to apologize, you’d changed your phone.”

“Two days,” Dean admitted, but at least he was looking at Sam again. “I only gave you two days. Not sure I quite thought that one through.”

Sam chuckled. “Anyway… no.”

Dean nodded once and grabbed his weapon bag, storming out of the room. Sam stared after him, until it hit him. He grabbed his bag and ran after his brother. “Dean, listen.”

“I get it, Sammy, okay? I don’t need to hear your reasons, or excuses, or whatever you wanna call them.” Dean slammed the trunk closed.

“No, you need to shut up and listen to me,” Sam insisted as he slid into the Impala beside his brother. “No. This past year with you has not been bad. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still not a fan of the parade of motel rooms and diners and never having any kind of roots, but you’re right. I’d never really stopped to think about how this year was different from before I left, but now that I am… I can do this. If you’re really willing to split off from Dad? I’m in.”

“Dad sends us a hunt, I’m still gonna go,” Dean said, cautiously muffling the hope.

Sam shrugged. “And as long as you don’t abandon the hunt we’re on, Dad’s as good a source for a hunt as any. Caleb or Pastor Jim calls, I wouldn’t even question going, or one of our own contacts, why should Dad be different?”

The hope in Dean’s voice grew stronger. “Yeah?”

“I still want to go back to school, finish my degree. I want to have something to fall back on if a hunt goes wrong and we can’t do this anymore. It’s a risk of the life, Dean, and you know that. But I’m close – I only need two classes. It’s three months. We gank Yellow Eyes, can we do that? You could stay in Palo Alto with me, or go hunt solo or with Dad or whatever. And then I’m done, back on the road with you.”

“Yeah,” Dean said, finally looking happy again. “I can… _we_ can do that.”

“I’m sorry you can’t have both me and Dad with you,” Sam said.

Dean shrugged. “I didn’t have either of you most of the time the two years before I came for you. To be honest, I kinda got used to being on my own, calling my own shots, not having to answer to anyone. Working with you, yeah, I know I need to be better about compromising and letting you call some of the shots too. But it’s worth it. Not sure it’s actually worth it to me to have Dad callin’ all the shots again.”

“So, if you didn’t mean with Dad… what did you mean about not being able to have what you really want?” Sam asked, confused.

“No, I meant Dad,” Dean said quickly. Too quickly, in Sam’s opinion. “I’ve just accepted that he ain’t going to magically change into a team player and you’re not gonna become a soldier just because I want that to happen.”

Sam gave Dean an unimpressed look as he called, “Bullshit.”

“Sammy, just…” Dean cut off as he parked the Impala. “We’re here, can you just leave it? Please? It’s not like you knowing is gonna make it something I can have.”

Sam nodded. “Fine. For now. We’ve got a job to do.”

 

And then the job was done, but Dad was there. And then Dad was gone again, and the silence in the Impala was uncomfortable.

“When you said you didn’t want to go back to hunting with Dad…” Sam said. “Even the thing that killed Mom?”

Dean sighed. “It’s safer if we’re apart, Sam, Dad knows it too. We know Dad can take care of himself, and that he’ll check in when he has everything figured out and is ready to gank the thing. It shouldn’t be after us, and Dad knows we’re together and we’ll look out for each other.”

“You’re sure he’ll call us in when he finds it?” Sam pushed.

Dean nodded. “Dad’s too good and this is too important. He’s not goin’ in without backup, if for no other reason than with three of us, if one goes down there’s two more left to take the shot.”

“Cheerful,” Sam said with a huff of amusement. Silence stretched out again, but this time, it was comfortable. “About earlier…”

“Sammy, please, just let it go,” Dean said with a groan.

“But if something changes…” Sam started. “Dean, I watched you drive away once. Even as pissed and convinced I was right as I was, it was so fucking hard. And I know it’s not even close to what me leaving for Stanford did to you. I can’t do that again.”

“What… one, there’s not really a whole lot that could make what I want possible, not without rewriting a whole lot of what we know. Like, Dad’s not my real father level rewriting.” That seemed pretty damn certain to Sam. “And two, what the hell is it going to take to make you get that I need you here? Because I thought I’d made that pretty damn clear.”

“Dean, you’d get along just fine without me,” Sam said, clearing his throat.

“Yeah, I’d get along,” Dean agreed. “I’d be okay. But I wouldn’t be happy. This, what we’ve got going… I’m happy. I don’t need the ultimate dream, but you are a huge part of it. Not promising we’re not gonna have times like that scarecrow in Indiana, but the only way I’m leavin’ you for good is if you make me.”

“If I’m part of it, why won’t you tell me what it is?” Sam asked. It seemed like a perfectly reasonable question to him.

“Because I don’t want to dwell on what I can’t have!” Dean exploded. “You say this is good enough for you, I ain’t gonna ask if what you really want is to marry Jess and raise the next generation of Winchesters. Because you can’t have that, so why even bring it up?”

“At least you know what mine is,” Sam grumbled. “Although you missed the part where Uncle Dean’s around often, whether hunting or with a wife and kids of your own. If we’re talking ultimate dreams here, I get to have both you and Jess in mine. One or the other is enough, but both is better. So, come on.” Sam thought for a bit, and came to a conclusion. Dean had mentioned Jess. “Oh, I get it. Who was she?”

“Who was…?” Dean stopped, and Sam raised an eyebrow. “Someone I’ve been trying not to think about, because it keeps the heartache away.”

That didn’t make much sense. “I’m missing something here, some piece of the puzzle.”

“Sammy…”

“If she were dead, you’d have said that straight off. Cassie? No… that’s easy enough to fix. If she married someone else, they could divorce, or he could die.” Sam thought for a bit. A random thought hit him. “Is it a guy? Because I can see you equating that with…”

“Seriously, Sam?” Dean snapped, actually a little angry at that. “I’ve kissed dudes before. I know I rag on you about it all the time, but there’s nothing wrong with being gay.”

“Then why do you freak out so bad when… Oh,” Sam stopped. Bringing up Jess. Dad’s not his real father level rewriting. Sam is a huge part of the dream but Dean won’t tell him. “Oh, my god.” Sam couldn’t keep the shock off his face and he knew it.

Dean shook his head, apparently realizing the uselessness of denial. “You couldn’t just leave it. Had to go digging, didn’t you, Sammy. Happy now?”

“I have no idea,” Sam said honestly. For the next hour, the car was once again silent. Sam watched Dean carefully, trying to sort through his own thoughts. Dean occasionally shot glances Sam’s way, but he couldn’t ever bring himself to meet Sam’s eyes. Eventually, Sam came to a decision. “Hey, there’s a town up ahead, we should stop for the night.”

Dean glanced at his watch in confusion. “It’s only… yeah, okay,” he said as he seemed to think better of protesting. He pulled into the parking lot of the first motel he saw. “Am I getting one room or two?”

Sam shot him a confused look. “Why would you get two?”

“In case you… oh, never mind,” Dean said as he got out and headed for the office. Sam gathered their bags and leaned against the Impala to wait. He saw the clerk looking his direction, and gave a friendly wave.

When Dean came out, he raised an eyebrow at Sammy the Pack Mule but didn’t question it as he went to unlock the room. First thing Sam noticed was that there was only one bed. He had not expected that, not that he minded, but he did have to wonder what Dean was thinking. Limited availability, maybe. As Sam dropped the bags on the bed, Dean disappeared into the bathroom. By the time he came back out, Sam had his laptop out and connected to the Internet to look for hunts. “You’re still here?” Dean asked, looking at Sam in surprise.

Sam looked up from the loading website. “Where else am I gonna be?”

“I dunno, I just figured you’d take off,” Dean said.

Sam blinked. “I wasn’t planning on it,” he said. “I know it’s kinda early, but do you have any thoughts on dinner?”

Dean was still staring at him. “You’re not planning on it?”

“Not until we’ve figured out where we’re going, at least,” Sam said, shooting another puzzled look at Dean.

That seemed acceptable to Dean. “Guess that makes sense. Dinner… probably gonna find a diner, not really in the mood for pizza.”

“Sounds good,” Sam said, returning to his search. After a couple of minutes, he noticed Dean was still staring at him. “What?”

“Shouldn’t we be… figuring out where we’re going?” Dean asked.

Sam was now completely confused. “Hence, laptop, to look for weirdness or good music to investigate? Dean, are you okay?”

“Yeah, of course, why wouldn’t I be okay?” Dean asked, inexplicably sarcastic. He reached for his keys. “I’m going out.”

“Give me a sec and I’ll go with you,” Sam offered. “That way you don’t have to swing back by and get me for supper.”

Dean shook his head. “I’m just goin’ to get some beer, maybe some whiskey. Tonight feels like a whiskey night.”

“Oh. In that case, get me some tequila?” Sam went back to his work.

Dean looked surprised. “You sure about that? You tend to do stupid shit when you’re tequila-drunk.”

Sam flashed him a dimpled grin. “Good thing I know a guy who’s made it his life mission to take care of me, then.”

“Sammy…” Dean sat on the bed, once again staring at Sam like he had two heads. “What the hell are you doing?”

“I’m… looking for a case?” Sam said, trying to understand what Dean wanted him to say. “Bit lost here, Dean.”

“I… fine, whatever,” Dean snapped, getting back up. “Anything else you need while I’m out?”

“Not sure yet, have to check a couple things,” Sam said. “I can make a supply run after dinner if I do.”

Dean nodded and left. Sam got up and dug through Dean’s bag, chuckling when he found what he was after. He knew he could count on his brother. By the time Dean got back, Sam was back at the laptop with a couple of tabs open to possible cases. “You’re still here,” Dean said.

“Yeah. Got a couple leads I’m digging into a little further, but there’s nothing that we’d need to take off after without a meal and a good night’s sleep.” Another weird look for Dean. “You sure you’re okay, Dean? You’re acting a little weird.”

“I’m acting…” Dean suddenly looked exhausted. “What do you want from me, Sammy?”

“Yeah, not having that conversation on an empty stomach,” Sam said with a grin.

Dean took a deep breath. “Then let’s go. Not sure how much more of this I can take.”

When they got back from dinner, Sam sat on the edge of the bed and Dean pulled up a chair. “Downside to one bed, we can’t sit opposite each other and awkwardly stare until one of us figures out how the hell you start this conversation.” That got a weak laugh out of Dean. “So, um… how long?”

“Hell if I know,” Dean said. “First time I knew how fucked up I was, you were sixteen. Remember that July, that werewolf hunt that scratched your back all to hell?”

“How could I forget?” Sam said, laughing through the twinges of pain in his back from the memory. “You were so pissed at Dad for walking out for a bar the second we got back, because he didn’t even bother checking my wounds to make sure there wasn’t a bite in there. And yet, somehow, you didn’t take it out on me when you had to knit me a new back.”

“Yeah. After I ganked that thing, I didn’t breathe until I heard you calling my name. Couldn’t. I was so scared that you’d been killed.” Dean took a second to compose himself. “Unless college is a lot more dangerous than I’ve ever imagined, that was the second-closest you’ve ever come to dying.”

“Second-closest?” Sam asked, thinking back and trying to remember something worse.

Dean stared at the ground, shame written in every hunched muscle. “Yeah, you probably don’t remember the closest, you were like, five. I screwed up and let a monster get close, but Dad got there just in time.”

“I think I remember that, kinda,” Sam said as it came flooding back. “Not the monster, but I remember Dad yelling at you worse than I’d ever heard him shout before and then you wouldn’t even let me go to the bathroom by myself for like a week.”

Dean nodded. “Dad never looked at me the same after that, never quite trusted me. He was more likely to leave us with Bobby or Pastor Jim. One of the worst nights of my life, right up there with you walking out for Stanford.” He stopped once again, forcing his breath back to calm. “Anyway, once you were patched up and I’d drugged you hard enough to get you to sleep, all the fear and panic and anger kind of crashed into me all at once. That’s when I knew. Pretty sure it had been there for a while, but how long… hard to say.”

“For what it’s worth, you did a great job of hiding it,” Sam said. “Of course, it helps that we’ve always been in each other’s pockets and you started going Mama Bear when I got hurt when I was six months old.”

Dean chuckled. “Until last night, anyway. I just… I couldn’t ever let myself slip, y’know? Dad would’ve killed me, you would’ve run unless Dad killed me before you had to. Or worse, you’d feel like you had to… I dunno, back then you were always talking about how you wished you had a way to show how much you appreciated everything I did for you.”

Sam understood what Dean meant, he did, but whatever else they may or may not be, they were still brothers and there was no way he could let that go unpunished. “Ouch. That would’ve been _worse_ than me running?”

Dean flushed. “I didn’t mean it like that, Sam. You’re the one who knows how to do this talking crap. You running, well, as we saw that would’ve happened anyway. I tried so hard to let you have whatever parts of normal that you could. This? Not normal, even for us. And then, you were sixteen, and I’d practically raised you. You had, what, two girlfriends all through high school? There’s no way in hell anyone could’ve convinced me that I wasn’t taking advantage of you, that you’d have been able to give meaningful consent. Only reason I was able to keep my mouth shut and stay out of Winchester Apocalypse the night you left for Stanford; sure you were gone and I was gonna miss you like hell, but you were also safe from me.”

The nickname for the fight got a huffed laugh from Sam. “And even after Winchester Apocalypse Round 2, you never got over it?”

“Nope. Which, I’m pretty sure means I ain’t gonna,” Dean admitted, once again staring at the floor instead of looking at Sam.

“Okay.”

Dean looked up sharply, disbelieving. “Okay? How can this ever possibly be okay again? When you didn’t know it was one thing, you never looked at me weird for being the way I always am. But now… you’ll always have that question. Like you said, we’ve always been really close, and I don’t know how to be any other way with you.”

“Stop right there,” Sam said, wondering how the hell Dean could think that. “Three years we’ve been glued together, two before I left and this past year since you came and got me. All that time, you haven’t done a damn thing that was even a little weird. I’m pretty sure me knowing isn’t going to somehow magically turn you into a creeper. And if something does slip, I’ve been watching you with girls even longer, and the second they say no or stop, you do. I’m safe with you no matter what happens rest of this conversation.”

“And what, exactly, does that mean?” Dean asked.

“It means that nothing has to change. You promised me you weren’t leaving unless I made you, well, same goes for me. Unless you kick me out, I’m not leaving. We can go on like we have been, if that’s…” Something clicked for Sam then, and he felt like a royal ass. “Is that what’s been going on all evening, you thought I had you stop for the night so I could run?”

“Well, yeah, you’re a runner and if there were ever something to run from, this would be it,” Dean said. “But then, you weren’t running, and I thought… I don’t even know. Either you didn’t know that it was torture, you acting like everything was normal when you were gonna run, or you didn’t care because you thought I deserved it.”

“Didn’t know,” Sam said. “God, I am so sorry. I had you stop because we had a hell of a night last night, been on the road fifteen hours on no sleep, and I figured if I let you go to sleep tonight without getting this worked out, you’d duck future attempts to bring it up. And we needed to talk about this.”

“Actually, no, since I thought you were gonna leave, I wasn’t gonna fight having this conversation,” Dean said. “Although if I’d known you were staying, I’d have… how the hell did you not freak out when you saw the bed?”

“Heh, yeah, I did wonder what you were thinking with that one,” Sam said, holding back the laugh. “But come on, Dean, I’ve seen you in action. If you were planning on seducing me, you would do a way better job than that.” Dean gave the fair enough face, and Sam decided it was time. “Besides, who says you can’t have what you want?”

“Uh, everybody?” Dean said, shaking his head. “Sam, don’t do this.”

“Dean, I’m not an inexperienced teenager anymore. I’ve broken away from the kid who had never known anything but you. You saw how shocked I was when I figured it out, I’m not that good an actor, I had no idea until today. There’s no coercion here and I’m not getting taken advantage of.”

Dean shook his head. “Doesn’t change the fact that you’re my brother and this is…”

“What, illegal?” Sam asked, tone incredulous. “Are you seriously gonna go there?”

“Wrong,” Dean finished with a glare.

“You planning on knocking me up?” Sam asked, and he decided to take the look on Dean’s face as a no. “So, no coercion, no genetic mutant babies, we’re kind of used to ignoring rules we don’t feel like following, what exactly is the problem here?”

“Have you ever even been with a guy before?” Dean asked.

“Depends what you mean,” Sam said, torn between laughing at Dean and disgust at the memory. “If you mean sex, no, but that’s only because the night I was planning on sleeping with him was the night I found out the asshole was cheating on me. Actually, that’s how I met Jess.”

“You’re shitting me,” Dean said in disbelief.

Laughter won out. “I’m really not. He was going out with Jess’s roommate, so when she saw me kissing him in the bar, she came over and accused me of stealing her roommate’s man. Needless to say, Brooke and I both dumped his cheating ass. Jess took me out to lunch to apologize for slapping me, and we just kinda hit it off.”

“Huh,” Dean said, but he was laughing too. “When was this?”

“We started going out a couple months before Winchester Apocalypse Round 2. I was gonna tell you about Brady that night, but… and then the breakup was, like, three days after that.” Sam grinned ruefully. “That week sucked.”

“Yeah,” Dean agreed. “Still, doesn’t change the fact that you…”

Sam had a pretty good suspicion what Dean’s objection was, so he interrupted. “Do you know when I decided I was going to ask Jess to marry me? We’d gone to this bar, and she kicked my ass at a game of pool. Something about the victory smirk reminded me of you, and I realized… if you came back, and asked me to hit the road with you – not for hunting or because of Dad, just because you missed me – I’d say no. At least at first, I think we saw that you could talk me around… I went to Jericho with you because when I said you could do it alone, you said you didn’t want to.”

“Sammy, do you have a point here?” Dean asked.

Sam ignored him. He was getting there. “If you’d hung around one day, asked me again after the interview, I’d have run to Black Water Ridge with you. I’d have tried to have both you and Jess, but if it came down to it? I honestly don’t know who I’d have picked.”

Dean snorted. “You’d have picked Jess. I’d have made you.”

“I can be seriously stubborn, Dean,” Sam reminded his brother. “Those psycho hillbillies who caged me, only reason I didn’t cross a line or two when you showed is because I couldn’t get to you through the cage.”

“Hudak would’ve had a field day,” Dean said. “I told her we were cousins, but I think she worked out the truth.”

Sam laughed. “Anyway, like you said… near-death experiences have a way of making you realize things. When you tased yourself… I knew. Not completely, I didn’t figure out the last piece until today, but I knew I couldn’t live a life without you in it, that I didn’t want to.”

Dean completely misunderstood. “Sam, you don’t have to do this to keep me around.”

“No, I don’t,” Sam said. “But I want to.”

“Just like that?” Dean asked, still not getting it.

“This isn’t just some whim. It’s been here a while. It wasn’t there before Stanford, but since we’ve been back riding together? At least as far back as Lawrence, I think it happened when you told me you were the one who carried me out of the fire. Just took a couple of shocks to make me see it.”

Dean groaned at the pun. “And you honestly don’t give a shit about the gazillion reasons we shouldn’t do this.”

“I honestly don’t,” Sam said. “But I do have one condition.”

Dean looked blankly at Sam. “Sammy, if I’ve got you, I don’t have to burn off energy with girls in bars.”

“Yeah, I know… wait,” Sam said. “That wasn’t the condition. I mean I’d prefer it to be just me, but that’s something I’m willing to compromise on as long as you don’t lie to me about it.”

“Huh,” Dean said, looking genuinely surprised. “What’s the condition, then?”

“We never, ever tell Dad.”

“I look suicidal to you?” Dean said. “Hell no we’re not telling Dad about this.”

Sam chuckled. “Any conditions from your end?”

“Yeah, help me figure out how to put the fear of God into myself if I break your heart,” Dean said.

Sam reached out and smacked Dean on the back of the head. “Seriously.”

“This doesn’t change the chick-flick rule,” Dean said, and Sam huffed. “When we’re in public…”

“We’re brothers,” Sam said. “This is strictly private time.”

“Yeah. It’s not that I’m ashamed of this or that I don’t care…” Dean said.

Sam understood. “No, I get it. Just because we don’t mind breaking the law doesn’t mean we should do it in front of witnesses.”

“Exactly,” Dean said, with a look of relief.

“One more thing,” Sam said, and Dean’s face went cautious. “You will notice my tequila is completely untouched. Whatever we end up doing tonight, you don’t get to blame it on tequila makes me stupid. This is all me. And you haven’t had nearly enough whiskey to impair your judgment, so you don’t get to blame that in the morning.”

Dean raised an eyebrow. “Why’d you want the tequila if you weren’t gonna blame it for this?”

“Because I have more fun when I’m stupid,” Sam said with a grin. “I can save it for another time if you’re thinking I have to have it to be willing to do this, and you know one beer isn’t gonna do much to me.”

“You’re serious about this,” Dean said, as it suddenly hit him. “You’re really gonna give me this, let me touch you in inappropriate ways.”

“Not saying I’m gonna let you do whatever the hell you want to me, I don’t know your kinks, but basic stuff? Yeah. Blow me, fuck me, have me do you, we’ll work it out. I know you’ll probably never say it and that’s okay, but I love you, you have always taken care of me, this is just another way.” Sam paused a minute to let Dean catch up. “And we’re kinda getting dangerously close to chick-flick territory, so I recommend we stop talking now.”

“No argument here,” Dean said as he left his chair.


End file.
